Tuesday, August 3, 2010

How We Piss Off Our Clients: Another Top Ten List

What goes around, comes around.

1. Nickel-and-dime the client to death. Charge for subway fare, the dinner you ate while you were thinking about the case but working on a closing for someone else, last month's roaming charges while you were on vacation, etc.
2. Yell at the client. It's your normal speaking voice.
3. Diss everyone in the case. The client's therapist. His/her parents. Your adversary. Make sure it's impossible to speak directly to any third party without having to go through someone else.
4. Remind the client you have a lot of other cases to handle. It's a matter of priorities. Triage, if you will.
5. Keep your client waiting for you. Make sure (s)he sees you sneaking out for a sandwich before the appointment, and waltz back into the reception area with either (i) a brown paper bag; or (ii) a receipt that you can ostentatiously slap on the front desk. Your choice.
6. Don't look at the FedEx packets your client sends you. Just say, "I never received your financial documents" and hope no one tracks the delivery date.
7. Whenever something's missing - and delivery to your office has been confirmed - blame your staff.
8. Is the client calling you again? Hell with it, you're busy. All the time. Ignore their letters, too. And why waste time sending them copies of anything? They'll find out eventually.
9. Make shit up. Everyone else does it. The judge never sanctions anybody.
10. Billing is an art form. So don't bother.

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