1. Promise to pay. Then don't. Or pay in dribs and drabs - string it out for as long as you can.
2. Yell at him/her at every opportunity. Make sure you can be heard even if the telephone is six inches away from your lawyer's ear (not on speaker).
3. Say you need to discuss his/her legal advice with your best friend (neighbor, former roommate, drinking buddy, etc.), who got a great deal on his/her divorce.
4. Remind your lawyer that lots of other lawyers are waiting to take your case.
5. Arrive 30 - 60 minutes late for all your appointments. Or just show up unannounced and demand immediate assistance.
6. Insist that a complicated document (e.g., your Statement of Net Worth, an affidavit, your draft Separation Agreement) be completed and e-mailed to you on a particular day, although you have no intention of looking at it for at least two weeks because you'll be on vacation.
7. Forget to tell your lawyer that you own property in another state (or country). Let it be a surprise when you testify about it at your deposition
8. Grill your lawyer about the status of your case - repeatedly - four or five times in a single day. Even better, several times in the space of one hour.
9. Invent facts, both trivial and major. No one's going to notice.
10. Repeat #1.