Research Versus Writing

When I used to play a lot of music, late night hours were always my favorite. A couple of decades later, I haven't changed. The only difference is, I've swapped one kind of keyboard for another.

I'm working on Genesis, like I last posted back in September. I've written the first ten chapters, workshopping it online, and hoping to move quicker so I have a full working draft finished by next summer - wow, that would be nice.

I get sidetracked by research, of course. I've been called a 'voracious researcher,' a 'relentless researcher,' a 'tireless researcher.' I don't know if those are actually compliments, or insults, to be honest. I admit, I research every teeny tiny detail to death.

Some people tell writers not to research before they write; to get their ideas down on paper, and fact-check everything later. Because research is so distracting, it detracts from the creative process.

They may well be correct, but hell, I'm a lawyer. Trained to research first and foremost, before describing a single fact or event.

So I'm ignoring that advice. Which may explain why, after four months, I'm just starting to write chapter eleven!

The Power of Seduction

It took me half the spring, and the entire summer. And now, after Labor Day, I still can't figure out why Client Relations -- five years in the making - garnered sixteen publishers' rejections, a mere five weeks after submission date.

'I just didn't LOVE it,' the most common theme in my rejection letters, didn't provide me with much guidance. But after that many rapid rejections, my agent considered the book unsaleable. So I'm shaking my head and trying to move on. Totally demoralizing. It's tough to get my creative spark reignited, especially when I'm already insecure about my fiction writing skills...

The abuse of power will be the subject of my next book, tentatively titled, 'Book Of Genesis: A Novel. I was inspired to write it by a slew of still unpunished, un-'outed' faculty predators at my own high school, Back In The Day and thereafter.

Their abuses are dispassionately acknowledged by an administrator in her recent (indie-published) tome that chronicles the generally blue-ribbon history of the school, without any apology to traumatized former students. I'm outraged, quite honestly. So I'm creating my story about a lawyer who survived that ordeal herself, when she was a student at a school somewhat akin to my alma mater.

I've outlined the skeleton of my novel, and I'm starting the workshop process all over again. I'm hoping this time, my novel writing will not consume too many years, even if it proves to be equally or even more laborious than Client Relations.

The subject of 'Genesis' is wrenching, and my protagonist is already proving herself a survivor - this, when I'm barely four chapters in.

My workshop buddy and I have already jumped into the fray with each other, over who is seducing whom. My theory is: The seducer/seductress is the one who has more power than his/her partner(s). And emotional power can be just as big a force as physical power.

I'll see how the story develops and where my characters take me. I suspect that my outline will get a little torn as I go along.

The Great Literary Agent Race, Part 14

Well, the fat lady sang.

Within about six weeks, all sixteen (A-List) publishers responded to Client Relations with a resounding...NO.

Which means that landing an agent isn't the end of the story. I'm back to square one,

My agent has told me to shelve Client Relations for now, and come up with a new book idea that will be a best seller. Her advice is, if book one doesn't sell well, book two will be a tough sell, so she wants my first book to be strongly positioned. So my next book one needs to be a killah book: A NYT Bestseller.

No sweat, I'm working on it.

Sigh.

Sex Site Comments

Umm I don't want to be rude but...

I've gotten a few comments, all very complimentary but linking their sex-toy sites, in response to some of my posts.

I sincerely appreciate the kind words, but I can't and won't publish posts with those kinds of links. Apologies, but even I have my limits.

So thank you to the anonymouses and the vibe operators and porn services who've contacted me, but I must respectfully decline to publicize your sites.

I wish I could say I was kidding about this, but it's a wild and wooly place out here in InternetWorld.

Divorce Warrior: Post-Apocalypse Survival Tips

(This article also appears on Huffington Post.)

You’ve made it through to the other side. Both you and your spouse signed the settlement agreement – it’s got those fancy notary stamps, and every page of every copy was properly initialed. The judge signed the final order or judgment, and the county clerk stamped it. Everything’s official.

That darn agreement took months, maybe years to negotiate and finalize. The court papers? They followed what feels like a lifetime of anguish. Yet, after all that, you’re not completely sure you know what you need to do next. The agreement is longer than The Bible, and full of legal gibberish. The court papers have the same problem.

You think of asking your lawyer to distill everything to its comprehensible essence, except you don’t want to prolong that relationship or add to the already ridiculously high legal fees, right?

I can’t say I blame you.

But after enduring and surviving the nightmare (see my recent blog post, Divorce Warrior Survival Tips, also published on HuffPo), you do not want to run the risk of violating what cost so much money, so much heartache, and so much energy to finalize. Your head might reeling, but it’s still on your neck. So let’s keep it there, okay?

Here are ways to sort through the mess, before you heave those nasty papers into your bottom drawer:

Parenting Time

Enter the days and times in your computer/phone calendar as far out as you can.

If you’re not a techie, buy a five-year planner and manually enter the dates.

The dates should include all ‘notify by’ dates.

Try color-coding your time versus your spouse’s/partner’s.

Include important school and camp dates as soon as they’re available (e.g., teacher conferences, plays, due dates for forms, parent events, etc.).

Forms

List every form that still needs to be exchanged, now or in the future.

Those could include medical information forms, educational and camp forms, passports, changes of address, insurance, and estate documents.

Notification Information

List all necessary addresses, telephone numbers and email contacts.

Those may include third parties like doctors, therapists, court officials, accountants, real estate brokers, and financial institutions.

Asset Transfers

Use your calendar to enter when and what remains to be done.

This could include dividing your bank accounts, notifying the human resources department about your pension and insurance information, advising account representatives to change the name on your accounts, working with your real estate broker to list your home, moving your personal property to the agreed-upon location, signing tax returns and tax refund checks, placing orders to exercise stock options, and paying or receiving funds.

Support

Calendar/list the amount of spousal support to be paid, specifying the starting and ending dates.

Same for child support.

Same for tuition, extra-curriculars and camp.

Note the percentages to be paid or received for medical, dental and professional fees.

*You may be unhappy with the award or agreement – in fact, it could infuriate you -- but until it’s changed by court order or agreement, it is binding.

The above is by no means comprehensive, but I hope it provides useful ideas for regaining control over your life.

Your agreement or decree is complicated -- I confess that most of mine have been guilty of both complexity and length. Lawyers on both sides of your case probably insisted on language, or litigated issues, that may still seem ridiculous to you; indeed, they may have been, although only those in the trenches of your case can opine on that.

But you’re done now. Really, you are. Don’t go back if you can help it. Your sanity -- what’s left of it -- depends on it, along with your remaining miniscule funds, and the two or three people who are still speaking to you. If your ex forces your case back to the lawyers and the courts, at least you’ll have a better handle on the results of Round One…

If all this is too overwhelming, you may well need to hold your nose and yank out your checkbook (again), to ask your lawyer or other professional for help in organizing the life ahead of you.

And then? Breathe, and live.

Divorce Warrior Survival Tips

Punishing court orders pelt you until you can hardly see straight. The motions keep coming; you're in court all the time. Child Protective Services is pounding down your door and your in-laws are pressing charges. You're broke; you're incarcerated; you're terrified.

Sound like a nightmare? For many, it’s reality.

It isn't limited to gender, race, age, or economic status. And when it hits your home, and your family, you must have inner fortitude, and external resources, to stay on your feet. Without both, chances are you'll be putty, or worse, by the time it's over.

I’m addressing YOU. Yes, YOU. The one who hasn’t stolen or concealed any assets. The one who’s never threatened or abused anyone. (Cases of violence and abuse fall outside the scope of this article.) You might have had an affair or two -- no, not in front of your kids, not like that excuses infidelity. You might not make as much money as you should, but you haven’t deliberately suppressed your income or tried to fail at life. You’ve bellyached about the bills, but you’ve paid them, although they may have been a day or two late while your paycheck cleared. You always made the kids available to the other parent who never made any time for them, until it became pointless to try anymore. In short, you’re not entirely blameless for the relationship’s demise. No one ever is.

Even so, although you might not love your spouse or partner anymore, you don’t hate his/her guts. If you had your way, the old Soviet concept of peaceful coexistence might be your creed.

But you don’t have that option.

Because your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend or ex hates your guts, down to the very fiber of his/her being.

There’s a remote chance of disarmament that could avoid mutual assured destruction. (Interesting how old-school international relations jargon is so applicable here.) Make the effort at rapprochement, even if s/he appears unwilling. Try to recognize what pushes buttons, including yours, and avert avoidable problems. If relatively civil discourse is still possible, talk to him/her -- without lots of extra bodies around to muck it up, because that’s exactly what will happen if you don’t grab the opportunity. In fact, don’t ever shut down the communications pipeline, or at least the possibility of it, no matter how implausible it may seem at any given moment.

Okay, fast forward to tomorrow. You tried your best to keep the peace, and it didn’t work. Marriage counseling proved hopeless or counter-productive. Home has become a combat zone, where you’re ducking grenades lobbed at you from every corner. Then it gets worse. Your spouse/partner/ex calls in heavy artillery: The cops, CPS, in-laws…

Trust your eyes and ears; trust your gut. Recognize what’s happening. And then brace yourself, for heaven’s sake. Prepare before the proverbial fan spatters your space with unspeakable slime from the court system. Remember what I said at the outset: Inner fortitude, external resources?

Let’s start with external resources. This isn’t the time to be a martyr or pretend you’re self-sufficient. Delusions are a luxury you can’t afford -- you need all the help you can get. You’ve got to locate and accept that help, in the face of the impending onslaught. And no, no, of course drugs and alcohol don’t count.

There have been plenty of discussions about therapists. I’ve seen rotten ones who stir the pot, and decent ones who really do help people cope. Either way, mental health professionals aren’t the only resource. Many in crisis search for guidance from clergy, too -- even non-believers. And sometimes the best, or only, available shoulders are those of friends and family (but those communications aren’t privileged, so your well-intentioned BFF or your favorite cousin could tell your ex everything without legal repercussions). In any event, a solid emotional support system is imperative.

Along with legal support. With your personal DEFCON level moving from yellow to red, i.e., increasing in intensity, you have no choice but to consult a matrimonial lawyer. What is said during the consult will be a privileged communication (even if you don’t hire that particular lawyer). You must tell the lawyer all the facts. Leave nothing out; assume nothing.

Sure, matrimonial lawyers have seen it all, but that doesn’t mean we can sense what’s going on in your case. The Think Method in ‘The Music Man’ was a total scam. Experienced practitioners may suspect how nasty your case could get, based on the identity and reputation of opposing counsel. But if there’s no lawyer on the other side yet, or opposing counsel is either unknown or schizoid (I’m not being overly facetious here), there’s no way for your lawyer to predict very much -- especially when you don’t disclose everything you know.

What if you don’t tell the truth about the facts in your case, like what caused your spouse’s/partner’s/ex’s anger to fester and boil, because you're afraid the lawyer won't take your case? And what if you don’t disclose the name of the other lawyer, for the same reason?

Not a smart move.

When your lawyer finds out afterward that you’ve been concealing vital underlying facts, chances are that s/he will dump out of the representation. You’ll be lawyerless again. Try finding a new lawyer, when the old one explains to potential counsel that you, the client, were ‘fired’ for lying. Or when potential counsel reviews the court order that granted leave for your old lawyer to withdraw from the case due to the ‘irretrievable breakdown of the attorney-client relationship.’ Any fool can figure out what that really means.

Assuming your lawyer has stayed on the case despite your non-disclosures, you’ll face this equally nightmarish scenario: Mounting, astronomical bills that you can’t afford and could never pay, unless you win the lottery. Wars are expensive – just look at our national debt after near-simultaneous triple engagements in the Middle East. So you’ll add suffocating debt to your personal misery, and your lawyer will not want another uncollectable receivable. Then, as the barrage nears thermonuclear proportions and you can’t pay your legal fees, guess who’s looking at a motion to withdraw? That’s right. You again.

Honesty will dramatically improve the odds of hiring a lawyer you can afford, and who will stick by you as your case spirals.

What if you didn’t expect a war? Look into your heart. Look at the relationship between you and your spouse/partner/ex. Really, was war so unexpected? If you’d confided in your therapist, priest, rabbi, sibling -- or lawyer -- sooner, you might have gotten a reality check and a head’s up. And you might not have gotten in over your head.

But that was then and this is now. You sincerely believe you gave your lawyer all the information, and that you provided ample warning that yours was the case from hell. Alternatively, you never thought your spouse/partner/ex would take the dispute so far. Regardless, you’re in a hot zone, right here, right now. And you’re screwed, because you are where this article put you in its opening paragraph: Broke, in jail, and scared witless.

Which means you need money. (Yes, I’m still talking about external resources.) Money solves all three problems: It pays the bills, it bails you out, and it buys some peace of mind.

I can’t speak to the other professionals, but regarding your lawyer, you need to find some source of funding. Depending on your case, the money might come from court-ordered funds of your spouse/partner/ex; it might come from a financial institution in the form of a loan; it might come in the form of periodic payments from a third party or from you. You might qualify for legal assistance or even pro bono representation in your jurisdiction. Note, however, that the law flatly prohibits contingency fee-based divorces.

If no money is forthcoming for legal fees, a court may direct your lawyer to stay on your case anyway. Or you may be forced to hire a cheaper one, or proceed without counsel altogether (pro se is the legal term for going it alone). Divorce insurance, union-covered divorce lawyers -- those might be options for some people. But for you, the unlucky soul who doesn’t qualify for any financial assistance, because you make too much and too little? All I know is, there’s no escaping the reality that lawyers need to be paid, like roofers and plumbers and vets. Although we didn’t hook you up with your spouse or partner in the first place, you can call us a necessary evil. Or unnecessary, if you prefer.

With or without counsel, you still need another person in your corner. That emotional support system I referred to earlier is vital when your case is banging a stake through your heart. Without friends, family, a therapist, clergyperson, and/or a lawyer, you will have a near-impossible cliff to scale.

You absolutely, positively cannot be alone.

This brings me to the heart of this article: Most of all, you need you. Without the will to survive, you’ll fall off the precipice. Tighten your resolve because the time has come -- the time is now -- to call on every internal resource you have. The war won’t have any winners, but it will have survivors. You must be among them.

Many believe that inner fortitude comes from religious faith. Others believe it comes from personal qualities, either innate or developed over time. Some say it derives from love of family, of self, of life…Perhaps it’s simply a combination of obstinacy, anger, and instinct, after you’ve been repeatedly mauled.

I don’t care where it comes from; I only care that it exists. And that YOU have it. So that you can truly tell yourself, No, I won’t give up; I will get through this. No matter how terrible things get, you must have complete conviction that the war will end someday -- hopefully sooner rather than later, and that your life will be happy again.

It will, too.

 

I’m not a motivational speaker; I’m no coach. I’m just a lawyer and a writer. Nonetheless, I firmly believe in the power of self, and the drive to endure in the face of almost insurmountable odds. ‘No’ is not a viable option, not for any human being who is facing one of the worst crises in his/her life.

Maybe you didn’t need a matrimonial lawyer to tell you all this. On the other hand, maybe you didn’t realize that we get it. Sometimes, you find compassion in unexpected places. And if you don’t, well, take a deep breath, hold your head higher, and wait for morning.



This article also appears on Huffington Post and Divorce Saloon

The Great Literary Agent Race: Part 13

Thirteen is a lucky number in my house. Both kids were born on dates with multiples of thirteen. So I'm using thirteen to post my last article in this 'agent race' series. I'm hoping that what would have been number fourteen will, instead, be number one in a new beginning for my book and for me.

Back to the race, though.

Actually, it's not a race anymore. It's a waiting game.

I've done everything I was supposed to do: I added a few scenes, I created a website (all by myself!) at terrilweiss.com, I checked over my manuscript again (did I say again?!), and I'm increasing my activity on the Web. I'm so obedient! Every day, I thank my lucky stars that I've gotten this far.

So now what?

Well, my agent did what she promised, too. My book blurb is in her January 2014 newsletter. I was afraid to follow up, so I waited two weeks to ask what to expect. She told me the blurb had yielded some requests, and she set a submission date: On February 25, she will be sending my manuscript to all the publishers who've requested it. She'll let me know who or how many as the submission date approaches.

After that, it will be anywhere from two weeks to six months for an editor to request more information or whatever. (I'm confident Jane will keep me posted, but I'll probably email her in mid-March if I haven't heard anything by then.)

I say 'whatever,' because I've never had this experience. I have no idea exactly what will happen, if anything. And I sure as hell don't want to jinx myself by even thinking about it anymore!

So here I am, being, umm, cool, calm and collected.