Divorce Warrior: Post-Apocalypse Survival Tips

(This article also appears on Huffington Post.)

You’ve made it through to the other side. Both you and your spouse signed the settlement agreement – it’s got those fancy notary stamps, and every page of every copy was properly initialed. The judge signed the final order or judgment, and the county clerk stamped it. Everything’s official.

That darn agreement took months, maybe years to negotiate and finalize. The court papers? They followed what feels like a lifetime of anguish. Yet, after all that, you’re not completely sure you know what you need to do next. The agreement is longer than The Bible, and full of legal gibberish. The court papers have the same problem.

You think of asking your lawyer to distill everything to its comprehensible essence, except you don’t want to prolong that relationship or add to the already ridiculously high legal fees, right?

I can’t say I blame you.

But after enduring and surviving the nightmare (see my recent blog post, Divorce Warrior Survival Tips, also published on HuffPo), you do not want to run the risk of violating what cost so much money, so much heartache, and so much energy to finalize. Your head might reeling, but it’s still on your neck. So let’s keep it there, okay?

Here are ways to sort through the mess, before you heave those nasty papers into your bottom drawer:

Parenting Time

Enter the days and times in your computer/phone calendar as far out as you can.

If you’re not a techie, buy a five-year planner and manually enter the dates.

The dates should include all ‘notify by’ dates.

Try color-coding your time versus your spouse’s/partner’s.

Include important school and camp dates as soon as they’re available (e.g., teacher conferences, plays, due dates for forms, parent events, etc.).

Forms

List every form that still needs to be exchanged, now or in the future.

Those could include medical information forms, educational and camp forms, passports, changes of address, insurance, and estate documents.

Notification Information

List all necessary addresses, telephone numbers and email contacts.

Those may include third parties like doctors, therapists, court officials, accountants, real estate brokers, and financial institutions.

Asset Transfers

Use your calendar to enter when and what remains to be done.

This could include dividing your bank accounts, notifying the human resources department about your pension and insurance information, advising account representatives to change the name on your accounts, working with your real estate broker to list your home, moving your personal property to the agreed-upon location, signing tax returns and tax refund checks, placing orders to exercise stock options, and paying or receiving funds.

Support

Calendar/list the amount of spousal support to be paid, specifying the starting and ending dates.

Same for child support.

Same for tuition, extra-curriculars and camp.

Note the percentages to be paid or received for medical, dental and professional fees.

*You may be unhappy with the award or agreement – in fact, it could infuriate you -- but until it’s changed by court order or agreement, it is binding.

The above is by no means comprehensive, but I hope it provides useful ideas for regaining control over your life.

Your agreement or decree is complicated -- I confess that most of mine have been guilty of both complexity and length. Lawyers on both sides of your case probably insisted on language, or litigated issues, that may still seem ridiculous to you; indeed, they may have been, although only those in the trenches of your case can opine on that.

But you’re done now. Really, you are. Don’t go back if you can help it. Your sanity -- what’s left of it -- depends on it, along with your remaining miniscule funds, and the two or three people who are still speaking to you. If your ex forces your case back to the lawyers and the courts, at least you’ll have a better handle on the results of Round One…

If all this is too overwhelming, you may well need to hold your nose and yank out your checkbook (again), to ask your lawyer or other professional for help in organizing the life ahead of you.

And then? Breathe, and live.

Divorce Warrior Survival Tips

Punishing court orders pelt you until you can hardly see straight. The motions keep coming; you're in court all the time. Child Protective Services is pounding down your door and your in-laws are pressing charges. You're broke; you're incarcerated; you're terrified.

Sound like a nightmare? For many, it’s reality.

It isn't limited to gender, race, age, or economic status. And when it hits your home, and your family, you must have inner fortitude, and external resources, to stay on your feet. Without both, chances are you'll be putty, or worse, by the time it's over.

I’m addressing YOU. Yes, YOU. The one who hasn’t stolen or concealed any assets. The one who’s never threatened or abused anyone. (Cases of violence and abuse fall outside the scope of this article.) You might have had an affair or two -- no, not in front of your kids, not like that excuses infidelity. You might not make as much money as you should, but you haven’t deliberately suppressed your income or tried to fail at life. You’ve bellyached about the bills, but you’ve paid them, although they may have been a day or two late while your paycheck cleared. You always made the kids available to the other parent who never made any time for them, until it became pointless to try anymore. In short, you’re not entirely blameless for the relationship’s demise. No one ever is.

Even so, although you might not love your spouse or partner anymore, you don’t hate his/her guts. If you had your way, the old Soviet concept of peaceful coexistence might be your creed.

But you don’t have that option.

Because your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend or ex hates your guts, down to the very fiber of his/her being.

There’s a remote chance of disarmament that could avoid mutual assured destruction. (Interesting how old-school international relations jargon is so applicable here.) Make the effort at rapprochement, even if s/he appears unwilling. Try to recognize what pushes buttons, including yours, and avert avoidable problems. If relatively civil discourse is still possible, talk to him/her -- without lots of extra bodies around to muck it up, because that’s exactly what will happen if you don’t grab the opportunity. In fact, don’t ever shut down the communications pipeline, or at least the possibility of it, no matter how implausible it may seem at any given moment.

Okay, fast forward to tomorrow. You tried your best to keep the peace, and it didn’t work. Marriage counseling proved hopeless or counter-productive. Home has become a combat zone, where you’re ducking grenades lobbed at you from every corner. Then it gets worse. Your spouse/partner/ex calls in heavy artillery: The cops, CPS, in-laws…

Trust your eyes and ears; trust your gut. Recognize what’s happening. And then brace yourself, for heaven’s sake. Prepare before the proverbial fan spatters your space with unspeakable slime from the court system. Remember what I said at the outset: Inner fortitude, external resources?

Let’s start with external resources. This isn’t the time to be a martyr or pretend you’re self-sufficient. Delusions are a luxury you can’t afford -- you need all the help you can get. You’ve got to locate and accept that help, in the face of the impending onslaught. And no, no, of course drugs and alcohol don’t count.

There have been plenty of discussions about therapists. I’ve seen rotten ones who stir the pot, and decent ones who really do help people cope. Either way, mental health professionals aren’t the only resource. Many in crisis search for guidance from clergy, too -- even non-believers. And sometimes the best, or only, available shoulders are those of friends and family (but those communications aren’t privileged, so your well-intentioned BFF or your favorite cousin could tell your ex everything without legal repercussions). In any event, a solid emotional support system is imperative.

Along with legal support. With your personal DEFCON level moving from yellow to red, i.e., increasing in intensity, you have no choice but to consult a matrimonial lawyer. What is said during the consult will be a privileged communication (even if you don’t hire that particular lawyer). You must tell the lawyer all the facts. Leave nothing out; assume nothing.

Sure, matrimonial lawyers have seen it all, but that doesn’t mean we can sense what’s going on in your case. The Think Method in ‘The Music Man’ was a total scam. Experienced practitioners may suspect how nasty your case could get, based on the identity and reputation of opposing counsel. But if there’s no lawyer on the other side yet, or opposing counsel is either unknown or schizoid (I’m not being overly facetious here), there’s no way for your lawyer to predict very much -- especially when you don’t disclose everything you know.

What if you don’t tell the truth about the facts in your case, like what caused your spouse’s/partner’s/ex’s anger to fester and boil, because you're afraid the lawyer won't take your case? And what if you don’t disclose the name of the other lawyer, for the same reason?

Not a smart move.

When your lawyer finds out afterward that you’ve been concealing vital underlying facts, chances are that s/he will dump out of the representation. You’ll be lawyerless again. Try finding a new lawyer, when the old one explains to potential counsel that you, the client, were ‘fired’ for lying. Or when potential counsel reviews the court order that granted leave for your old lawyer to withdraw from the case due to the ‘irretrievable breakdown of the attorney-client relationship.’ Any fool can figure out what that really means.

Assuming your lawyer has stayed on the case despite your non-disclosures, you’ll face this equally nightmarish scenario: Mounting, astronomical bills that you can’t afford and could never pay, unless you win the lottery. Wars are expensive – just look at our national debt after near-simultaneous triple engagements in the Middle East. So you’ll add suffocating debt to your personal misery, and your lawyer will not want another uncollectable receivable. Then, as the barrage nears thermonuclear proportions and you can’t pay your legal fees, guess who’s looking at a motion to withdraw? That’s right. You again.

Honesty will dramatically improve the odds of hiring a lawyer you can afford, and who will stick by you as your case spirals.

What if you didn’t expect a war? Look into your heart. Look at the relationship between you and your spouse/partner/ex. Really, was war so unexpected? If you’d confided in your therapist, priest, rabbi, sibling -- or lawyer -- sooner, you might have gotten a reality check and a head’s up. And you might not have gotten in over your head.

But that was then and this is now. You sincerely believe you gave your lawyer all the information, and that you provided ample warning that yours was the case from hell. Alternatively, you never thought your spouse/partner/ex would take the dispute so far. Regardless, you’re in a hot zone, right here, right now. And you’re screwed, because you are where this article put you in its opening paragraph: Broke, in jail, and scared witless.

Which means you need money. (Yes, I’m still talking about external resources.) Money solves all three problems: It pays the bills, it bails you out, and it buys some peace of mind.

I can’t speak to the other professionals, but regarding your lawyer, you need to find some source of funding. Depending on your case, the money might come from court-ordered funds of your spouse/partner/ex; it might come from a financial institution in the form of a loan; it might come in the form of periodic payments from a third party or from you. You might qualify for legal assistance or even pro bono representation in your jurisdiction. Note, however, that the law flatly prohibits contingency fee-based divorces.

If no money is forthcoming for legal fees, a court may direct your lawyer to stay on your case anyway. Or you may be forced to hire a cheaper one, or proceed without counsel altogether (pro se is the legal term for going it alone). Divorce insurance, union-covered divorce lawyers -- those might be options for some people. But for you, the unlucky soul who doesn’t qualify for any financial assistance, because you make too much and too little? All I know is, there’s no escaping the reality that lawyers need to be paid, like roofers and plumbers and vets. Although we didn’t hook you up with your spouse or partner in the first place, you can call us a necessary evil. Or unnecessary, if you prefer.

With or without counsel, you still need another person in your corner. That emotional support system I referred to earlier is vital when your case is banging a stake through your heart. Without friends, family, a therapist, clergyperson, and/or a lawyer, you will have a near-impossible cliff to scale.

You absolutely, positively cannot be alone.

This brings me to the heart of this article: Most of all, you need you. Without the will to survive, you’ll fall off the precipice. Tighten your resolve because the time has come -- the time is now -- to call on every internal resource you have. The war won’t have any winners, but it will have survivors. You must be among them.

Many believe that inner fortitude comes from religious faith. Others believe it comes from personal qualities, either innate or developed over time. Some say it derives from love of family, of self, of life…Perhaps it’s simply a combination of obstinacy, anger, and instinct, after you’ve been repeatedly mauled.

I don’t care where it comes from; I only care that it exists. And that YOU have it. So that you can truly tell yourself, No, I won’t give up; I will get through this. No matter how terrible things get, you must have complete conviction that the war will end someday -- hopefully sooner rather than later, and that your life will be happy again.

It will, too.

 

I’m not a motivational speaker; I’m no coach. I’m just a lawyer and a writer. Nonetheless, I firmly believe in the power of self, and the drive to endure in the face of almost insurmountable odds. ‘No’ is not a viable option, not for any human being who is facing one of the worst crises in his/her life.

Maybe you didn’t need a matrimonial lawyer to tell you all this. On the other hand, maybe you didn’t realize that we get it. Sometimes, you find compassion in unexpected places. And if you don’t, well, take a deep breath, hold your head higher, and wait for morning.



This article also appears on Huffington Post and Divorce Saloon

Making It Stink Less For The Kids

I've been reading a bunch of blog posts about how screwed up kids get (i) when their parents are divorcing or divorced (e.g., kids feel pressured to take sides); or (ii) when their parents are - well, just a mess. 
http://afamilysheartbreak.com/  
http://www.divorcesaloon.com/2010/09/20/octomom-nadya-suleman-broke-welfare-next-will-she-lose-custody-of-her-kids/).

So I'm thinking, okay, everything thinks divorce lawyers make it worse, by pushing people into being even more polarized. They only care about the money and don't care how screwed up the kids get. Right?  

Wrong. 

The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (I'm admittedly biased since I'm a Fellow) has a some terrific cheap publications, and even a couple of free links on their web site which are amazing, all of which are instructive, informative, and designed to reduce friction and tension.  I've shared the links on a few blogs, and thought it only right to post them on my own: http://www.aaml.org/go/library/publications/

With all that collective knowledge (from the top 1600 divorce lawyers in the US) of exactly how rotten life can be for the kids who are in the midst of family upheaval, the AAML was able to create a Children's Bill of Rights.

Yes, it's that good.  Please judge for yourself.

http://www.aaml.org/sites/default/files/childrens%20bill%20of%20rights.pdf

When I Say I'm A Divorce Lawyer

Gloves off.

These are the reactions I get when I tell people I'm a divorce lawyer:

1. Shudders and disdain: Usually that's the response from my corporate brethren and sistern, you know, the tax lawyers, commercial litigators, mergers & acquisitions specialists, intellectual property gurus -- virtually all lawyers except personal injury and criminal lawyers. Because their rep (that of the PI and criminal bar) is as bad as ours, maybe worse. They get down and dirty, too, just like we do: Sex, drugs, violence...  : )

2. Pity: Usually from the corporate crew. Because they assume divorce lawyers are too stupid to go into the more high-falutin' areas of the law. Revealing I'm a Georgetown Law alum, and a former Morgan, Lewis & Bockius lawyer, usually shuts that one down fairly quickly. Along with asking the M&A lawyer if s/he knows what a QDRO is. See, most other specialities don't realize that matrimonial law requires a breadth of knowledge. In order to be any good at it, we need to know a lot about contracts, tax, real property, pensions, and estate law. As well as how to get down and dirty, of course. ; )

3. Requests for advice: Because everybody has either had a divorce, or post-divorce issues, or their brother or sister or cousin or best friend is in a pickle. And I'm, like, do I really want to give free advice on a case I know absolutely nothing about, second-guessing the lawyers in the trenches? On the other hand, can I stop myself from butting in and pontificating? Sigh.

4. TMI: That's short for 'too much information.'  A whoosh of disclosures about the person's personal life comes flying at me. It's as if I were sitting next to a stranger on a plane who has to unload on somebody and that somebody is lucky me. It usually takes me a good fifteen minutes to extricate myself. I don't want to be rude, ya know? And the thing is, the person is usually not a stranger. So repeat encounters and additional disclosures are likely. I learned a long time ago: It comes with the territory.

5. Hostility: Okay, I saved this for last because it crosses age, gender, religion, race, occupation and socio-economics. And how can I respond when I'm barraged with what creeps divorce lawyers are?How we should be ejected from the planet, or banished to the swamps of Borneo without mosquito nets? I AGREE. Because if it weren't for the damn dabblers out there - the lawyers who toss 'divorce' on their list of practice areas (along with traffic tickets, wills, worker's comp, accidents, house closings, bankruptcy and criminal defense) on their website or on those paper placements in the local diner - the world would be a better place. My internist shouldn't attempt brain surgery. Not that divorce lawyers are the equivalent of neurosurgeons, but you get my drift. Dabblers make me soooo mad. Grrrr.

Being a divorce lawyer was my choice. No one forced me into it, and honestly? It has had more than its fair share of stressors and hassles.

But it has also been intensely gratifying. Like helping someone move on with his/her life to a far more positive place; getting kids to live with the parent who is providing them with a stable, safe home and learning, years later, that the kids are now successful and happy adults; unraveling the mess in someone's life efficiently and with a minimum of anger; cleaning up a post-divorce disaster so there's no room for future uncertainty; closing a deal that provides financial security and logical parenting arrangements in a nice, tight  agreement...

Granted, the good moments occur less frequently than the grueling ones, but when they do? Ain't nothin' like it.

Shaming the Divorce Bar in New Mexico- and Everywhere

The Huff Po often swipes the news from other media - usually with an uber-compelling, National Enquirer-type headline.

So when I saw a headline in Huff Po Divorce about a rogue lawyer caught on tape breaking and entering the home of his client's estranged husband, I figured it was the usual sensationalist, anti-lawyer nonsense. You know, where the questionable misdeeds of one crazy-bad guy are supposed to portray the theoretical reality of the rest of us members of the matrimonial bar. And because I've posted an occasional blog on Huff Po Divorce, and attracted the ire of lawyer-hating Internet surfers - I know from personal experience just how nasty lawyer-bashing can get on Huff Po Divorce.

But this time? OMG, the "target" lawyer managed to shame not only himself but the entire legal profession.

Despicable Lawyer Raymond Van Amam not only broke into and entered his client's estranged husband's home in a violent fashion, destroying and absconding with the personal property inside - INCLUDING the husband's personal legal papers!!- but embraced his female client in an uncomfortably intimate fashion for at least twenty seconds, after he insisted, "I want a hug, I need some relaxation!"

It made my skin crawl when I heard him murmur, "Shh shh shh shh shh, oh yeahhh, put it behind you, shh shh shh shh shh oh yeahhhhh." The client didn't seem to realize that his moves were absolutely improper.

Just wrong. I sincerely hope the New Mexico Bar does NOT allow Mr. Van Amam, who used to be president of the local bar association, to put any part of his disgusting conduct behind him. He was suspended from practice once before, for cocaine. For crying out loud, get rid of this man's law license!!

The Huff Po's story generated only six comments: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/14/divorce-lawyer-break-in_n_1345334.html?ref=divorce

Versus the hundreds of comments generated in response to posts about Newt's infidelities and Susan Sarandon's divorce.

This is my comment (only the seventh comment in response to the story):

This is amazing - this story generated only SIX comments????

As a member of the matrimonial bar, I find the misconduct of Mr. Van Amam an absolute disgrace. I can't fathom his being permitted to continue to practice law after such egregious behavior, captured on videotape for heaven's sake.

Breaking and entering, destroying and absconding with personal property -- and to top it off, asking his female client for "relaxation" and tightly embracing. (His sarcastic comments to the estranged husband are despicable too...)

Appalling misconduct. I shudder to think of the damage this guy could cause to tarnish our reputation even more - that is, if the world of Internet surfers cared about something other than the latest celebrity train wreck.

I guess I should be relieved no one's paying attention to this.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/14/divorce-lawyer-break-in_n_1345334.html?ref=divorce


All I can say to this is.. unbelievable.

http://www.kob.com/article/stories/S2534896.shtml?cat=519

The Voice of Sweet Reason

Many clients don't want to hear it. They want to be completely unreasonable, and they want their lawyers to agree with their unreasonable demands and expectations.

Recently, I had a consult who insisted that because her spouse had fooled around, and hadn't earned as much money as she had (maybe 25% less), he should forego his entire interest in the marital home, her much larger pension, and their joint bank accounts, leaving him with about 15% of the marital estate. She wanted me to agree that she could settle her case under these (ridiculous) terms. In fact, she insisted that I agree her proposal was appropriate. And when I didn't agree, she grew extremely angry with me.

Opposing counsel with uncontrollable clients making similar, or even more lopsided demands, are even worse. Because they can't be knocked out of your life with a simple, "Sorry, I'm sure you can find another lawyer who has another opinion, best of luck." No, the unreasonable PIA opposing lawyer and his/her unreasonable PIA client, with punishment as their primary goal, is going to engage in a war of attrition for months, maybe even years. And they don't care that they're wasting gargantuan amounts of money, energy, time, and public resources, even when they know -- at least an experienced (albeit sometimes utterly inept) adversary knows -- damn well what the bottom-line settlement or litigated result will look like.

That's why there's nothing more wonderful than a reasonable person on the other side, who can control the unreasonable demands of his/her client and cut to the chase.

Right now Republican politics is just like the unreasonable client who craves a lunatic lawyer who will accede to his/her preposterous positions and not yield to anything or anyone resembling sanity. A smart, highly articulate, credentialed and reasonable candidate doesn't stand a hope in hell of impressing the foam-at-the-mouth extremists who seem to be running that party from the outer banks of fringe conservatism. Hence Jon Huntsman's low low low poll numbers.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/jon-huntsman-the-reasonable-republican/2011/10/18/gIQAFAWTvL_story.html


Told ya I was a political junkie.

But this just goes to prove my point that politics is, indeed, a macro picture of interpersonal relationships, and that divorce lawyers and politicians have a LOT in common....

Divorce Lawyers Are As Bad As Obama

A political junkie like me laughs when a presidential candidates' debate is scheduled to air on an obscure, upper-register cable channel, like say, oh, the Bloomberg Channel (#105 over here in NY). I'm not that easily dissuaded - I WILL watch it, even if I have to stream it.

Not going to be watching it in silence, though. I mean, how can you sit still when an intellectual heavyweight like Michelle Bachmann blames the country's decade-long economic woes solely on President Obama (okay okay, he's a Democrat so it MUST be all his fault); when the effervescent, blunt Ron Paul gets interrupted when he starts scolding Republicans as well as Democrats for poor legislation; and when model family man Newt Gingrich overlooks Reagan/Bush de-regulation and overspending, and stiflingly high Reagan/Bush tax and deficit increases-- NO! it's Obama's fault!

Thank God for Republican Party unity. Thank God for political ambition.

Anything to derail Obama's reelection chances is clearly fair game, even if it means re-writing history or ignoring what's best for the country now. And I thought the vitriol was high during the Clinton years. But I digress...

My favorite comment - seriously - of the evening came from Rick Santorum, who cited "the breakdown of the American family" as a primary cause of economy disparities in the US. I heard heckling in the background when he said that (the noise distracted many of the candidates, including my favorite - Michelle, of course). Maybe the heckler was a married guy. Or a single mom who's doing just fine, thank you.

But Rick Santorum is absolutely right, as study after study and just plain common sense has shown. Single-parent households struggle far more than intact families. Santorum unfortunately missed the opportunity to lambaste the group that everyone, on all sides of the political spectrum, loves to hate. Had he done so, maybe he would have propelled his poll numbers out of the single digits.

I'm talking about divorce lawyers. Naturally. We're the ones who enable a person to dump his/her spouse out on the street. We bicker over the amount of spousal and child support. We defend the deadbeats who fail to meet their financial obligations to their ex's. We file actions to decrease monthly payments because our clients can't -or won't - afford them. Best of all, we rape family assets for legal and expert fees. We're bad bad bad bad people. (The clients share no complicity in any of this, of course....Here is where I have to give a nod to Herman Cain's call for personal responsibility.)

So you see, the widening gap between rich and poor is really our fault. We're as bad as Obama. Worse.

Rick, you blew it, buddy. At least you were on the right track.

Men Pay A Steep Price For Lust (Or Lack Thereof)

Everyone knows that men often think only with their ****s. Especially men who are powerful enough to believe their lewd actions won't have major repercussions on their marriages, their careers and their lives.

Obvious recent examples of over-sexed, self-destructive men:
*Bill Clinton, who demolished his presidential legacy and forever tarnished his reputation.
*Tiger Woods, whose escapades as a man-whore practically overshadowed his legendary (but now-fading) golf prowess, and drove him from the sport, sponsorships and, of course, his wife and kids.
*John Edwards, who ruined his political life and probably helped to loosen his wife's already-tenuous hold on life.
*DSK, who lost his IMF chairmanship and checked into Riker's Island for a few days.
*Elliott Weiner, who thought his own wiener was so photogenic that he lost his Congressional seat and handed it over to the House Republicans.

But maybe you didn't know that men also pay heavily for lacking a strong enough sexual appetite.

In France - yes, France where male ardor is a matter of national pride! - a 51-year-old man was recently socked with paying his ex-wife 8500 Euros for his lackluster performance in the bedroom. Not just for a few months, either, but for 21 years, which I think is a mighty long time for any self-respecting woman to wait for some serious attention. A little Viagra along the way could have saved the thin-blooded Jean-Louis B. a pile of money. It could have saved his marriage, too, since his failure to satisfy his wife was grounds for the divorce.

Damned if they do it (with someone else), damned if they don't do it (for a really really long time) with their wives. There's a lesson there, guys.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/france/8741895/Frenchman-ordered-to-pay-wife-damages-for-lack-of-sex.html

Bad Divorce Lawyers Are Running The Country

Nightmare divorce cases. Unlikely that anyone who's had the misfortune of enduring them can ever erase them from their memory banks.

The torturous negotiations that dragged on endlessly. The pain-in-the-butt lawyer who dug his or her heels in, who refused to answer telephone calls. Who sent letters in which every other word was in italics or in bold lettering or underlined. Who constantly badgered and bullied and postured and flailed around, instigating a fight when everyone else already agreed to the bottom line. The passive-aggressive or over-aggressive spouse on the other side.

Belligerence just to make a point and look "tough." Ridiculous demands that were made, knowing they were totally unacceptable, so the other side would look bad or be forced into a potential disadvantage. And then, even after getting everything they wanted, upping the ante yet again by insisting on more capitulation to things that were never discussed, or inventing new issues to be disputed.

What a colossal waste of time, energy and money. What enormous risks to, and tolls taken on, the physical, emotional and financial health of everyone involved.

Sounds like a micro-version of the current debt ceiling negotiations. Like a bunch of nitwit matrimonial lawyers dithering around, overwhelmed by multiple-trillion-dollar issues that they're treating like hyper-personal allocations of marital assets or parenting times. Cripes.

Every day for the past few weeks, escalating over the past few days, our political leaders in Washington (and the wannabes running for office) have been playing reckless games with the debt ceiling issue. Many of these people seem positively clueless about who are really the potential victims of their stupidity - not just the recipients of government checks, but everyone who has direct and indirect market exposure, i.e., just about everyone. American politicians with power and influence, who are either inept or damgerously indifferent to how underlying market and economic currents react to any ripples in our financial strength that emanate from their embarrassing political ditherings.

And they ARE embarrassing. Democracy at its worst, partisanship at its most divisive. The level of venom has attained heights not seen since the worst days of the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Only this time there's a lot more at stake than the moral malfunctions of a randy middle-aged president and semen stains on the dress of a dim-witted intern.

I swear, the current debt ceiling impasse reminds me of some of the worst divorce cases I've seen. Same pointless posturing, same foolish risk-taking, same poor leadership, same insane brinksmanship - but with the entire country, no, the world economy - held hostage to these fools.

The Smell Test

The decision and order are out. Your lawyer flips to the last page, the only one that really matters.

Who won the motion? How much will you be paying for support, and for how long? Is your company going to be drawn into your divorce case? Is the trial going to be delayed again? Who gets stuck with the tax penalties? Are you going to lose the house? Where are the kids going to live?

Pretty bizarre, leaving decisions that are so critical to your life in the hands of some stranger in black robes. Who the hell is that judge anyway? Is s/he so quick, so intuitive, so brilliantly analytical, to be uniquely qualified for such a demanding and important job? Umm, I'll punt on that one, at least here on HuffPo. (You can take a look at my blog for my thinking on this subject, if you're so inclined.)

No, I want to talk about what's behind judicial decisions: What makes the results practically inevitable in so many cases. Why you, or your spouse, may never have had a fighting chance from the get-go. How you were able to turn your case around from a total loser to a hands-down winner, or the other way around. And yes, this can be something that only you control.

Forget about gender bias arguments, claims of corruption in the legal system, or how the "old boy" network supposedly operates. Maybe those arguments have some merit. Maybe they're just paranoid. It doesn't matter. Because for the vast majority of cases, those issues aren't at the crux of court decisions. What is?

I call it The Smell Test.

Okay, the judge considers what your lawyer presents to the court. And what your spouse's lawyer says and writes about you which, chances are about a zillion to one, is extremely unflattering. Let's not forget the experts, either, who, in their inimitable wisdom, opine about your finances, your psyche, your motives, and your conduct. Never underestimate their power to sway the judge.

Or the witnesses, judges might consider them, at least to some degree - please, you need to put a lid on that family member who refuses to mind his/her own business, and get the human resources lady to turn over your pension stuff before she goes on her honeymoon. Witnesses for the other side? Not much you can do about them, so don't pester them. Bad idea.

Lord knows your spouse will be going after you hard, maybe s/he's out for blood. Maybe s/he will be so nutty, so unreasonable, so vile, that, assuming you're not equally horrible (justifying a "plague on both your houses" mentality by the judge), s/he will self-destruct.

But when all is said and done, even in this cacophony of information, it's up to you to make or break your own case. So what you say, what you do, how you look -- both in and out of court, right now, during the case -- that's just about all you can control, but cripes, it matters. It seriously matters. You can't change the past, and you can't change who you are. But you can control how you handle yourself in your greatest time of need. Of course, any hint of insincerity or opportunism, any contradiction of your true intentions -- well, most people (even judges!) aren't so utterly clueless that they won't detect you're trying to pull a fast one.

Whether it's because you remind the judge of a favorite cousin, or your spouse has the same first name as the judge's sworn childhood enemy, or you cuss out the judge's favorite court officer, one of you glares at the other lawyer across the courtroom at the preliminary conference...you name it. That first impression counts. But then there's the next court appearance, and the next, and the next. Plenty of time and ways to build on or demolish that first impression. Like the forensic evaluations. And your compliance with court rulings, Your cooperation with your spouse during the case. Your body language. The information filtering into court about your dealings with teachers, therapists, the cops, the kids.

Every case gives off a certain vibe. Every human being reacts to another with a visceral, gut feeling of sympathy or distaste. A judge who has the power to affect the rest of your life is no different. In fact, his/her antennae are overly sensitized - it makes decision-making that much easier. Yes, a good lawyer will help you to maximize and capitalize on the positives, and minimize the negatives. But you give off your own vibe.

Which of you is going to pass The Smell Test? Because, unless lofty Constitutional issues are involved that transcend personality, whoever passes it will find that the law has been pushed, pulled, shoved, squeezed, pressed, rolled and stuffed into the facts of your case. Yep, it all boils down to The Smell Test.

From my May 11, 2011 article in the Huffington Post-Divorce
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terri-weiss/the-crux-of-divorce-decis_b_860368.html

Girl Lawyer and Fathers' Rights Advocate

When I was in my 20's, my father used to call me a "girl-lawyer" just to see if he could get a rise out of me, which, of course, he did. By the time I was in my 30's, cranking out the hours at BigLaw, the ranks of women lawyers had swelled so much no one paid much attention to gender - except for the proverbial "glass ceiling." And after I'd been a divorce lawyer for roughly a decade, I'd grown tired of being asked by men if it was "better" for them to hire a woman lawyer; I'd also grown accustomed to women who were clearly more comfortable confiding in a female lawyer, while others were happier to be represented by more testosterone than I'd ever have.

Then I found myself tossed onto a few websites, defining me as a fathers' rights advocate. I had some women calling me a woman-hater, and some men saying, yeah, Terri gets it, unlike all those feminist b****s.

Okay, let me set the record straight.

First, I suppose I am something of a feminist, if that's what you call a woman who firmly believes woman and men have the same rights to citizenship, educational and career opportunities, personal choices, etc. I hardly consider that an extreme position. I was raised on the notion that girls could do anything boys did, and I focused on getting a kick-ass education so that I could, in fact, do whatever I wanted. (Being a divorce lawyer wasn't my childhood dream, though, in all honesty...) As a teenager, my views were shaped, reinforced and supported at my all-girls' high school, where I'm pleased to say Sen. Gillibrand (class of '84) is returning to give the commencement address this weekend.

Second, I have, in fact, won many bitter custody battles for male clients, where the kids ended up living with their fathers. Translation: I have represented men who were, I believe, deprived or about be to deprived of access to their kids, to the severe detriment of the kids. And in those cases, the judge agreed with our presentation of the evidence that the father provided the better living environment for the kids for a variety of reasons, usually centering around emotional/psychiatric issues.

Third, I have negotiated many deals (lost count a long time ago) for male clients, where the terms included shared parenting (decision-making and access time) between both moms and dads. In those cases, both parties agreed that the kids would live fuller, happier and better lives, and receive the maximum emotional, educational and personal advantage by having significant access to both their parents.

Fourth, I've done the same thing for female clients over the years. I've also helped - dads, don't gasp - women to relocate with the kids, where courts have accepted the evidence presented that the kids would thrive in that new place with their mom. That the move was not being done to punish the dad, that the move was reasonable and necessary, that adjustments during weekends, vacations and summers could accommodate the need for parenting time with the dad, etc. etc.

Fifth, I loathe beyond words the abuse of legal process, the gamesmanship and the bull***t that preludes and accompanies most custody battles. It happens on both sides - men and women. The way people drag friends and family in to take sides against their spouse, the PR (formal, when it's a high-profile matter, and informal, where people notify their surrounding communities of their private issues). The way people, mostly women - sorry, that's been my experience, ladies - obtain bogus ex parte orders to throw their spouses out of the house and cut off all access to the kids. How child protective service agencies get contacted - again, mostly by the women, in my experience, to bust into homes and grill often-clueless kids about their parents' manner of showing affection. How one or both parents are so fixated on hating the other that they ignore the radioactive damage they're inflicting on their hapless, helpless kids.

So does all this make this "girl" (not so much now, at my age) lawyer a fathers' rights advocate? No. The concept of furthering the rights of one gender over another is an anathema to everything I believe in. I never saw any of my custody cases as a battle between the sexes. To me, it's been a battle between parents - my client (whom I believed in and advocated for as the better, more nurturing parent) and the opposing party - with the ultimate goal of doing the best thing for the kids rather than assuaging the ego of the father or the mother. And if my client - man or woman - was more interested in his/her ego than what was best for the kids, I wouldn't be representing him/her.

THIS Person is a Judge?

Most people don't expect to stand in front of someone in black robes, frowning at them from behind a high dias, issuing orders and judgments that will affect them for the rest of their lives. No, that's for criminals, they think, and criminals usually get what's coming to them. Normal people don't have judges intruding into their lives, pontificating on every move they've made in recent (and even in not-so-recent memory), determining whether to reward, punish or restrict them in the future. Right?

Okay, so you suspect I'm about to talk about divorces and custody wars, where judges become an integral part of a "normal person's" life for a few months, or a few years, and their decisions can wreck havoc on a family for decades.

But what I really want to talk about it...who the hell are these people? The judges who are making these life-changing decisions?

Lawyers get accused all the time of being "in bed" with judges - We are the largest contributors to their election campaigns, which we often run. We appear in front of the same judges over and over, year after year, so we don't want to offend them in one case and have them take it out on us in another. We generally run in the same social circles, or at least the same professional ones. Does any intelligent lawyer want to offend a judge given these circumstances? Of course not.

But that doesn't mean we have to like or even respect all of them. There are those judges - far too few - who were really solid lawyers before they "ascended" to the bench. Smart, intellectually nimble, savvy to the ways of the world, and, most of all, ready, willing and able to do justice- which is what judges are supposed to do, using the law to accomplish that goal. These judges actually wanted to become judges to facilitate justice, and they never, ever grow tired of it. They love the law, they don't burn out.

What about the rest of them? Well, in New York, as in many of other states, our State and local judges are elected. Most voters don't have the slightest clue of who the judicial candidates are come Election Day, other than their party affiliation, when they pull the lever.

Does being a female Democrat translate to being a liberal feminist judge? How about a black Republican male - conservative, law-and-order kind of guy? Nope. All that party affiliation usually means is that was the party where that particular judicial candidate had an opening - a friend willing to push for him/her, favors were owed, there was no one else willing to run on that ticket...You get the idea. Judges appointed by governors and other elected officials? Pretty much the same thing.

If we're lucky, the judge turns out to be intelligent, fair and open-minded. After that, we're looking at the many degrees of indifference, stupidity, dogmatism and rigidity that separate fair to mediocre to downright atrocious judges, not necessariy by bright lines, either.

And so we're stuck swallowing our bile as we call that collection of judicial disgraces "Your Honor." We hope they don't destroy our clients' lives too much, because most people lack the stomach or the money to endure an appeal of a horrific judicial decision. And we hope they will someday be on the receiving end of decisions as atrocious as the ones they're doling out, or be kicked off the bench for some crime or act of egregious misconduct before the next election cycle rolls around.

CNBC's "Divorce Wars" is a Bomb

I've learned to expect more from CNBC than the incessantly sensationalist reporting and insipid banalities that are the norm for most broadcast media. After all, CNBC is the main broadcast source of information for business and financial leaders, with its second-by-second stock quotes and up-to-the-minute breaking business news updates.

So I eagerly tuned in to CNBC's Special Report, "Divorce Wars," on Tuesday night. The program had been widely advertised: "CNBC goes inside the confidential world of multi-million dollar divorce revealing the secrets of winning and losing on a battlefield of emotional pain and financial gain." A former AAML national president, Gerry Nissenbaum, and unbiquitous publicity hound Raoul Felder, along with two divorcee bottom-feeders who've been hawking their wares on the Internet (a "divorce insurance" broker, and a "divorce funding" broker who takes a percentage of the recovery -- how unethical is that?!!), were slated to enlighten viewers with their perspectives.

Having handled a fair number of high-asset divorces and pre-nups myself, I'm still not crazy enough to think I've got a monopoly on knowledge or insight on representing the super-rich. And I figured, even if I didn't learn anything really new or fresh from the show, at least Gerry (a first-class Boston lawyer) would share an interesting tidbit of information and Raoul would be, well, Raoul.

Wrong. Gerry didn't have much of a chance to say anything except comment on the case of a bitter, unpleasant woman whose settlement agreement he was able to bust open on fraud grounds. Raoul was more subdued than usual, and the two get-rich-off-other-people's-misery non-professionals came across as sleazy as I expected.

Then there were the wronged clients. Gerry's client, the kind of sour, angry person no one in their right mind wants to deal with unless they have the patience of Job (like Gerry). The whiny CEO who didn't heed anyone's advice to get a pre-nup and was later shocked -shocked! - when his bride not only divorced him, but now has a substantial book value that rivals the Forbes' 500. Then there was the - oh my God can you believe it? - fabricated case of child pornography planted into an unsuspecting husband's computer while he was off on a business trip, that took a team of experts, 81 trial days, and millions of dollars to disprove.

Of course, I can't omit to mention the reporter for this special program. (Each time she intoned the word, "MILL-yon," I wanted to throw something at the TV.) Her claim that no one in the world of high-end divorces of business leaders wants to talk about their experience, and how secretive that world is, is belied by the headlines. The Perelman divorce. The Mark Hurd fiasco. The "Dodger" divorce of the McCourts. Yeah, right. Need I continue?

I swear, CNBC fell mighty short on this one.

Next HuffPo Article

I'm weighing what to do next week...
1. A post on crappy TOP's, which I plan to reverse the genders for
2. A post on what divorce lawyers should do, which I'd de-lawyer-speak from the Academy Bounds
3. A post on ffffffamily court that picks up where the post (on getting ready for court) left off

Gotta get some energy for it first. I'm seriously wiped out and need to re-group.

Crappy Lawyers - full text

Here it is, me bitching about the dabblers who make all divorce lawyers look really bad:


Divorce lawyers. Otherwise known as dirtbags, bottom-feeders, thieves, morons--go ahead, you name it, we're used to it. The tirades that often show up here on the Huffington Post, and on other web sites when the word 'divorce' is mentioned, are pretty intense. Yep, lots of people have horror stories and, whether it's justified or not, the matrimonial bar bears the brunt of the hostility resulting from divorce.

Think we don't feel the rancor? That we don't know why we're considered the "dregs of the legal profession," as someone commenting on my last post so kindly (uh-huh) put it? We're not quite that clueless, despite outward appearances and all our bravado. Fact is, the "dabblers"-- you know, the lawyers who are either very inexperienced or whose practice isn't at least 80% matrimonial--cause a great deal of the angst and anger. But hey, I know that sounds kind of defensive.

So here we go--the things divorce lawyers can do to earn their clients' fury (with attorney explanations in parentheses):

1. Miss deadlines. ("Give me a break, I forgot.")

2. Don't know the law. ("Geez Louise, you expect me to know everything?")

3. Make up facts. ("Everyone else does it. The judge never sanctions anybody.")

4. Don't bother with the billing. ("The retainer check should cover it. Besides, billing takes too long.")

5. Bill the hell out of the case. ("I was thinking about you while I was watching the play-offs.")

6. Nickel-and-dime the client to death with personal and general office expenses. Charge for things like taxis, train fare, meals, telephone charges, per-page faxing, secretarial overtime., just to name a few. ("I wouldn't have eaten any dinner--ever--if I weren't working on the case, or taken a cab home when I worked late, or bought another toner when the fax ran out of ink. And you're screwing up my weekend.")

7. Yell at the client. ("Come on, it's my normal speaking voice.")

8. Diss everyone in the case. The client's shrink. His/her parents. Opposing counsel. The law guardian. And, of course, the judge. ("They're all idiots anyway.")

9. Remind the client there are a lot of other cases that need to be handled. ("It's a matter of priorities, and you need to be put in your place. I'm very much in demand.")

10. Keep the client waiting unnecessarily for office appointments. ("I'm more important than any client; work with me here, it's an ego-thing.")

11. Let the client see the lawyer sneaking out for a sandwich when the appointment is supposed to be starting, then waltz back into the reception area with either (i) a brown paper bag; or (ii) a receipt that the lawyer ostentatiously slaps on the front desk. ("Like this needs justification? Get real, people.")

12. Ignore the FedEx packets a client sends. ("Huh? Hope no one tracks the delivery date.")

13. Whenever something's missing--and delivery to the lawyer's office has been confirmed-- blame the staff. ("Sor-ry, got too much stuff to look at as it is.")

14. Always have the secretary place the call to the client, instead of dialing directly. Wait a minute--is that the client calling again? ("Hell with it, I'm busy. All the time.")

15. Why waste time sending the client copies of anything? ("You'll find out eventually.")

16. Don't let the client settle the case, under any circumstances. ("It could ruin my 'pit-bull' rep.")

17. Keep the client out of the loop on what's going on in their case. ("Like I'm supposed to know, too?")

18. Forget to give opposing counsel (or file in court) important documents/information. ("Hmmm, must be somewhere on my desk or in my office. I think. Maybe.")

19. Tune out what the client is saying s/he wants to accomplish in the case. ("Like clients know anything, right?")

20. I saved the best for last: Have sex with the other lawyer. Or the client. ("Who can resist a screeching adversary or a vulnerable, stressed-out client? Hottest people on the planet.")

Think I've given angry clients out there whatever ammunition they need, assuming they even needed any, to continue to dump on the matrimonial bar? Nope. Because responsible, knowledgeable, experienced divorce lawyers don't behave this way.

 

Crappy Lawyers

This article of mine is front and center on Huffington Post Divorce today...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terri-weiss/why-do-people-hate-divorc_b_809623.html

Lust, Sex and Clients

Always a fun topic, especially given that it is a key element of my novel-in-progress, Client Relations.

My friends at DivorceSaloon.com have posted an article about the recent disbarment of a New Jersey lawyer who had sex with his divorce client. http://www.divorcesaloon.com/2011/01/13/new-jersey-lawyer-kenneth-m-denti-to-be-disbarred-for-sleeping-with-his-divorce-client/

What really frosted the NJ Disclipinary Board was the offending lawyer's enormous billing fraud stretching across years and law firms and, get this, that he was having sex with a client while she was considering reconciling with her husband. In other words, if she were in the midst of a brutal divorce war, where reconciliation was not even remotely on the horizon, it would have been perfectly okay for her lawyer to screw around with her. Assuming he wasn't billing her for his time spent when they were frolicking in bed, that is. Cripes, I knew I should have waived into the New Jersey bar - I had no idea it was so much fun over there, just across the state line.

The Academy (American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers) has an extremely thorough code of conduct for matrimonial lawyers (Bounds of Advocacy Section 3.4 http://www.aaml.org/library/publications/19/bounds-advocacy). This kind of crap is flat-out barred by the Academy: "A more intimate relationship may endanger both the client's welfare and the lawyer's objectivity."

So. What's really interesting to me about all these rules, ethical opinions, cases, stuff like that, is:
1. Generally, non-divorce lawyers can go at it with their clients as long as their professional judgment is unimpaired. Okay, that's crystal clear.
2. I haven't seen any specific cases or opinions where the lusty lawyer is a woman. Not even in journal articles that lead off with the lame, supposedly provocative, photos. Nope. It's always the male lawyer with the wingtips, and the quivering female client worshiping his diplomas on the wall. Excuse me? Women lawyers are fully capable of dominating male clients (and opponents), thank you very much. Power trips aren't gender-neutral.
3. Nothing prohibits good old-fashioned romance, without actual sex acts, between lawyers and clients. You know. When people don't expose their private parts for manipulation, like back in pre-pre-pre-Monica Lewinsky days. Kissing, hugging, touching non-genital areas - I guess that's all fair game for those who are so inclined.

If the lawyer and client 'laugh just a little too loud, stand just a little too close, stare just a little too long' (a la Something to Talk About), well, that's fine and dandy. No conflicts of interest, no impairment of judgment. Just a little distraction (hmmmm, maybe enough distraction to push a case through too quickly in order to make the client available for an all-out sexual affair). Put that together with a female tax lawyer representing a sexy real estate tycoon (wait a minute - isn't that an oxymoron?), and voila! Absolutely no Draconian fear of disbarment hanging about in the foreground.

Note: Since 1981, no client has ever been that appealing to me. No adversary or judge, either. And I know of no female attorney who has gotten herself in hot water for sleeping with her client. But I do know a few men - and not particularly attractive ones - who have. Hence all these rules - Thanks, guys, for making the rest of us look as bad as you are.

Pissing Off Divorce Lawyers

I'd posted this on my blog back in August, as one of my first posts,when my blog was in the neonatal unit: http://bedroom-to-courtroom.blogspot.com/2010/08/how-to-piss-off-your-divorce-lawyer-top.html

I tweaked it for the Huffington Post last week,  and it posted there yesterday, with huge (not all positive :
Kinda good to see people out there in cyberspace...

Happy New Year!

Getting Ready For Court: For Real

I'm on the Huffington Post!  This is my article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terri-weiss/reallife-court-prep_b_795872.html which I've re-posted here:



Okay, you've got a big day ahead of you. Your lawyer's told you to meet her on the fourth floor of the courthouse at 9 am for the 9:30 calendar call.

First order of business: What to wear. Nothing too casual, nothing too flashy. Revealing too much won't help at all. In fact, it'll annoy everyone. And dressing as if you're broke, when you're not, won't fool anyone. Jeans or sweats only if you want to diss the judge. Men, a business suit works if that's your usual work attire. If not, a sports coat and slacks are fine. Track outfits or shorts won't do it, though. Women, same thing: Business attire (dress, suit, nice skirt and top), or neat casual. No teetery heels, no extreme make-up. Now,can you get to the courthouse without getting lost? Sure you left enough time to park or for public transport? Because being late is very bad. You don't know if your case will be the first or last to be called, but you don't want to default.

Security is the next hurdle. Not as bad as TSA, but those court security people can be very brusque,especially on Monday mornings. Just do what they tell you and be patient - empty your pockets, put your handbag and briefcase on the conveyor belt to be x-rayed, walk through the metal detectors. No, you can't take cameras and tape recorders into the courthouse. Yes, you might have to leave your cell phone with security.

You should leave anything questionable back home, or in your car, or in your lawyer's office. Court officers are law enforcement professionals and are not to be messed with. Hassling with these guys is a guaranteed downer that you won't win. And the courtroom's still ahead of you. You want to make your day in court extra stressful? Didn't think so.

Up on the fourth floor, you're looking for your lawyer and--oh, look! There she is! Wait. Hold on. No running, no shouting. Remember third grade? Same rules only, this time, court officers will enforce them. And they wear guns.

Your team's in a huddle and there's no place to sit. Courthouse staff may get grumpy if you lean on that circa 1940's wooden table with deep grooves penned across its surface. And watch out for that vintage metal chair with the broken leg. You may get lucky and find a seat eventually but, remember, the name of the game right now is hassle avoidance. Find a corner if you can. And here's another rule that's not made to be broken: Voices low, eyes open. You don't know if your spouse's lawyer's paralegal, or the soon-to-be-appointed law guardian, is standing right behind you. And what if your spouse is lurking just across the hallway, just waiting to push your buttons? Ignore her/him. That's why you're in court, remember? Because the two of you couldn't work it out by yourselves. You start getting into an argument again now, those brusque court officers will be over in a New York minute and they'll be in even a worse mood than before.

So, you've been well-behaved, kept your cool (sort of, even though you've stained your nice clothes with sweat),and checked your watch repeatedly. Still waiting for your case to be called...Where's the ladies'/men's room? Nine times out of ten, your case will be called right after you've gone to the bathroom. Maybe you shouldn't have drunk six cups of coffee already. Maybe you can wait to go at home, where the toilet is clean, where there's three-ply toilet paper that doesn't rip after you pull one little sheet and plenty of soap and real towels and warm water.

Your case is finally called, and you trail behind your lawyer, who is marching purposefully into the courtroom. You both sit at a big table in front of the judge, while the judge and the clerks and lawyers- all these strangers in your life - utter jargon, greetings and mundane directions, while your heart is racing out of control.

This is what you do: Speak aloud only when the judge tells you to. Don't drive your lawyer nuts with scribbled notes and nudges and whispers. Don't glare at your spouse or his/her lawyer. No histrionics,no stage whispers, no rolling eyes or heavy sighs. Here's where you must look like a courteous poker player, revealing nothing but always - always - treating everyone around you with respect. Because,guess what? The judge is judging you, even when you're not saying a word. Even if your court appearance doesn't go well, or even if it goes fabulously well, you're still the courteous poker player.

Remember, Round Two is just around the corner.

Dedicated To The Soon-To-Be-Ex-Mr. and Mrs. Grinch

Yep it's that time of year again.  If you're over 30 or so, it might be time for a little reality check.

Time for getting gifts and giving money to necessary people (like doormen, building supers, the newspaper guy, babysitters, teachers, secretaries, business associates) - ka-ching, ka-ching  - before you spend a dime on your family and friends. Time for obligatory office parties, awkward group holiday functions, and forced family get-togethers.

On the home front, the kids are anxious about the latest toy or gadget they've got to have, but the stores are sold out of them. Your clothes are getting tighter (mine are, anyway). Airlines have jacked up their prices so travel is prohibitive, even if TSA weren't so obnoxious (gotta love them pat-downs and full body scans). Midnight madness and Cyber Monday are already history and nothing's on sale right now.  And gas prices are on the rise- on CNBC, they're predicting oil will soon reach $100 a barrel again.

So much complaining is tough to take any time of year, especially around now. But unless you can get over to Radio City and get a little Rockette holiday spirit - and the amazing Rockettes do cheer up almost any Scrooge - the holidays can be rough going even for the perkiest of souls.

In the divorce biz, come, oh, say January 4 or so, after the kids are back in school, the phones start jangling.  A combination of holiday hassles (see above), the presents were crummy, the trip to Aruba stunk, the credit cards are maxxed out, the Christmas bonus didn't come through, and s/he has been staying in hotels with someone else.  Among other things.

An entry in Divorce Saloon yesterday notes the historical uptick of divorces in January. http://www.divorcesaloon.com/2010/12/02/should-you-ever-ask-for-a-divorce-in-december/  So true.  And for so many reasons - including, and maybe especially, because the crappy Christmas gift was the last straw.

But to the rest of you - and even to you, Mr. and Mrs. Grinch - I truly hope you will enjoy the holidays.  Because it is the time of year to open our hearts to each other.  Or to someone, anyone, even if it's not your spouse. And we're alive and on this earth, regardless of whether we're all 100%  physically, emotionally or psychologically healthy.

I'll be doing a sing-in of Handel's Messiah again this year.  The music never ceases to stir my soul. Lift up your heads, O ye gates....