Shaming the Divorce Bar in New Mexico- and Everywhere

The Huff Po often swipes the news from other media - usually with an uber-compelling, National Enquirer-type headline.

So when I saw a headline in Huff Po Divorce about a rogue lawyer caught on tape breaking and entering the home of his client's estranged husband, I figured it was the usual sensationalist, anti-lawyer nonsense. You know, where the questionable misdeeds of one crazy-bad guy are supposed to portray the theoretical reality of the rest of us members of the matrimonial bar. And because I've posted an occasional blog on Huff Po Divorce, and attracted the ire of lawyer-hating Internet surfers - I know from personal experience just how nasty lawyer-bashing can get on Huff Po Divorce.

But this time? OMG, the "target" lawyer managed to shame not only himself but the entire legal profession.

Despicable Lawyer Raymond Van Amam not only broke into and entered his client's estranged husband's home in a violent fashion, destroying and absconding with the personal property inside - INCLUDING the husband's personal legal papers!!- but embraced his female client in an uncomfortably intimate fashion for at least twenty seconds, after he insisted, "I want a hug, I need some relaxation!"

It made my skin crawl when I heard him murmur, "Shh shh shh shh shh, oh yeahhh, put it behind you, shh shh shh shh shh oh yeahhhhh." The client didn't seem to realize that his moves were absolutely improper.

Just wrong. I sincerely hope the New Mexico Bar does NOT allow Mr. Van Amam, who used to be president of the local bar association, to put any part of his disgusting conduct behind him. He was suspended from practice once before, for cocaine. For crying out loud, get rid of this man's law license!!

The Huff Po's story generated only six comments: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/14/divorce-lawyer-break-in_n_1345334.html?ref=divorce

Versus the hundreds of comments generated in response to posts about Newt's infidelities and Susan Sarandon's divorce.

This is my comment (only the seventh comment in response to the story):

This is amazing - this story generated only SIX comments????

As a member of the matrimonial bar, I find the misconduct of Mr. Van Amam an absolute disgrace. I can't fathom his being permitted to continue to practice law after such egregious behavior, captured on videotape for heaven's sake.

Breaking and entering, destroying and absconding with personal property -- and to top it off, asking his female client for "relaxation" and tightly embracing. (His sarcastic comments to the estranged husband are despicable too...)

Appalling misconduct. I shudder to think of the damage this guy could cause to tarnish our reputation even more - that is, if the world of Internet surfers cared about something other than the latest celebrity train wreck.

I guess I should be relieved no one's paying attention to this.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/14/divorce-lawyer-break-in_n_1345334.html?ref=divorce


All I can say to this is.. unbelievable.

http://www.kob.com/article/stories/S2534896.shtml?cat=519

Horny and Self-Righteous Lawyers

Another great attorney-client relations story that just happened in Iowa: An Iowa attorney turned himself into the local police on charges of assume to commit sexual abuse. After his client was sentenced to probation for driving under the influence, he served her four cocktails while they met in his office. I wonder if he serves booze to all his DUI clients, or whether he reserves it for special female clients.

Anyway, he must mix a hell of a drink, because the four drinks he served her made her so woozy that she can't recall everything that happened to her afterward,but she can remember sitting on his lap on the couch in his office at some later point, and a surveillance tape at her apartment shows her getting out of his car.

And, as is so often the fate of overly self-righteous law enforcement officials (think Elliot Spitzer), a Nevada prosecutor managed to get himself arrested for buying crack from a street dealer. This guy is a chief deputy DA who's been buying crack for his own recreational use for months from "Joe" the Dealer. Meanwhile, he counts among the people he's prosecuted the likes of Paris Hilton and Bruno Mars, and he had just been put on a Federal drug task force. Looks like his career's going to be headed in a different direction now. Maybe he'll get his own talk show, or land a spot as a commentator on Fox News.


http://www.amestrib.com/articles/2011/03/20/ames_tribune/news/doc4d858e0ec58a7286477838.txt http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/alcohol_allegedly_served_by_dui_lawyer_in_client_meeting_at_his_office/?utm_source=maestro&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=weekly_email
http://www.lvrj.com/news/clark-county-prosecutor-arrested-on-drug-charges-118337184.html http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/deputy_da_who_prosecuted_paris_hilton_drug_case_is_arrested_on_crack_cocaine

Crappy Lawyers - full text

Here it is, me bitching about the dabblers who make all divorce lawyers look really bad:


Divorce lawyers. Otherwise known as dirtbags, bottom-feeders, thieves, morons--go ahead, you name it, we're used to it. The tirades that often show up here on the Huffington Post, and on other web sites when the word 'divorce' is mentioned, are pretty intense. Yep, lots of people have horror stories and, whether it's justified or not, the matrimonial bar bears the brunt of the hostility resulting from divorce.

Think we don't feel the rancor? That we don't know why we're considered the "dregs of the legal profession," as someone commenting on my last post so kindly (uh-huh) put it? We're not quite that clueless, despite outward appearances and all our bravado. Fact is, the "dabblers"-- you know, the lawyers who are either very inexperienced or whose practice isn't at least 80% matrimonial--cause a great deal of the angst and anger. But hey, I know that sounds kind of defensive.

So here we go--the things divorce lawyers can do to earn their clients' fury (with attorney explanations in parentheses):

1. Miss deadlines. ("Give me a break, I forgot.")

2. Don't know the law. ("Geez Louise, you expect me to know everything?")

3. Make up facts. ("Everyone else does it. The judge never sanctions anybody.")

4. Don't bother with the billing. ("The retainer check should cover it. Besides, billing takes too long.")

5. Bill the hell out of the case. ("I was thinking about you while I was watching the play-offs.")

6. Nickel-and-dime the client to death with personal and general office expenses. Charge for things like taxis, train fare, meals, telephone charges, per-page faxing, secretarial overtime., just to name a few. ("I wouldn't have eaten any dinner--ever--if I weren't working on the case, or taken a cab home when I worked late, or bought another toner when the fax ran out of ink. And you're screwing up my weekend.")

7. Yell at the client. ("Come on, it's my normal speaking voice.")

8. Diss everyone in the case. The client's shrink. His/her parents. Opposing counsel. The law guardian. And, of course, the judge. ("They're all idiots anyway.")

9. Remind the client there are a lot of other cases that need to be handled. ("It's a matter of priorities, and you need to be put in your place. I'm very much in demand.")

10. Keep the client waiting unnecessarily for office appointments. ("I'm more important than any client; work with me here, it's an ego-thing.")

11. Let the client see the lawyer sneaking out for a sandwich when the appointment is supposed to be starting, then waltz back into the reception area with either (i) a brown paper bag; or (ii) a receipt that the lawyer ostentatiously slaps on the front desk. ("Like this needs justification? Get real, people.")

12. Ignore the FedEx packets a client sends. ("Huh? Hope no one tracks the delivery date.")

13. Whenever something's missing--and delivery to the lawyer's office has been confirmed-- blame the staff. ("Sor-ry, got too much stuff to look at as it is.")

14. Always have the secretary place the call to the client, instead of dialing directly. Wait a minute--is that the client calling again? ("Hell with it, I'm busy. All the time.")

15. Why waste time sending the client copies of anything? ("You'll find out eventually.")

16. Don't let the client settle the case, under any circumstances. ("It could ruin my 'pit-bull' rep.")

17. Keep the client out of the loop on what's going on in their case. ("Like I'm supposed to know, too?")

18. Forget to give opposing counsel (or file in court) important documents/information. ("Hmmm, must be somewhere on my desk or in my office. I think. Maybe.")

19. Tune out what the client is saying s/he wants to accomplish in the case. ("Like clients know anything, right?")

20. I saved the best for last: Have sex with the other lawyer. Or the client. ("Who can resist a screeching adversary or a vulnerable, stressed-out client? Hottest people on the planet.")

Think I've given angry clients out there whatever ammunition they need, assuming they even needed any, to continue to dump on the matrimonial bar? Nope. Because responsible, knowledgeable, experienced divorce lawyers don't behave this way.

 

Crappy Lawyers

This article of mine is front and center on Huffington Post Divorce today...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terri-weiss/why-do-people-hate-divorc_b_809623.html

Lust, Sex and Clients

Always a fun topic, especially given that it is a key element of my novel-in-progress, Client Relations.

My friends at DivorceSaloon.com have posted an article about the recent disbarment of a New Jersey lawyer who had sex with his divorce client. http://www.divorcesaloon.com/2011/01/13/new-jersey-lawyer-kenneth-m-denti-to-be-disbarred-for-sleeping-with-his-divorce-client/

What really frosted the NJ Disclipinary Board was the offending lawyer's enormous billing fraud stretching across years and law firms and, get this, that he was having sex with a client while she was considering reconciling with her husband. In other words, if she were in the midst of a brutal divorce war, where reconciliation was not even remotely on the horizon, it would have been perfectly okay for her lawyer to screw around with her. Assuming he wasn't billing her for his time spent when they were frolicking in bed, that is. Cripes, I knew I should have waived into the New Jersey bar - I had no idea it was so much fun over there, just across the state line.

The Academy (American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers) has an extremely thorough code of conduct for matrimonial lawyers (Bounds of Advocacy Section 3.4 http://www.aaml.org/library/publications/19/bounds-advocacy). This kind of crap is flat-out barred by the Academy: "A more intimate relationship may endanger both the client's welfare and the lawyer's objectivity."

So. What's really interesting to me about all these rules, ethical opinions, cases, stuff like that, is:
1. Generally, non-divorce lawyers can go at it with their clients as long as their professional judgment is unimpaired. Okay, that's crystal clear.
2. I haven't seen any specific cases or opinions where the lusty lawyer is a woman. Not even in journal articles that lead off with the lame, supposedly provocative, photos. Nope. It's always the male lawyer with the wingtips, and the quivering female client worshiping his diplomas on the wall. Excuse me? Women lawyers are fully capable of dominating male clients (and opponents), thank you very much. Power trips aren't gender-neutral.
3. Nothing prohibits good old-fashioned romance, without actual sex acts, between lawyers and clients. You know. When people don't expose their private parts for manipulation, like back in pre-pre-pre-Monica Lewinsky days. Kissing, hugging, touching non-genital areas - I guess that's all fair game for those who are so inclined.

If the lawyer and client 'laugh just a little too loud, stand just a little too close, stare just a little too long' (a la Something to Talk About), well, that's fine and dandy. No conflicts of interest, no impairment of judgment. Just a little distraction (hmmmm, maybe enough distraction to push a case through too quickly in order to make the client available for an all-out sexual affair). Put that together with a female tax lawyer representing a sexy real estate tycoon (wait a minute - isn't that an oxymoron?), and voila! Absolutely no Draconian fear of disbarment hanging about in the foreground.

Note: Since 1981, no client has ever been that appealing to me. No adversary or judge, either. And I know of no female attorney who has gotten herself in hot water for sleeping with her client. But I do know a few men - and not particularly attractive ones - who have. Hence all these rules - Thanks, guys, for making the rest of us look as bad as you are.

Pissing Off Divorce Lawyers

I'd posted this on my blog back in August, as one of my first posts,when my blog was in the neonatal unit: http://bedroom-to-courtroom.blogspot.com/2010/08/how-to-piss-off-your-divorce-lawyer-top.html

I tweaked it for the Huffington Post last week,  and it posted there yesterday, with huge (not all positive :
Kinda good to see people out there in cyberspace...

Happy New Year!

Getting Ready For Court: For Real

I'm on the Huffington Post!  This is my article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terri-weiss/reallife-court-prep_b_795872.html which I've re-posted here:



Okay, you've got a big day ahead of you. Your lawyer's told you to meet her on the fourth floor of the courthouse at 9 am for the 9:30 calendar call.

First order of business: What to wear. Nothing too casual, nothing too flashy. Revealing too much won't help at all. In fact, it'll annoy everyone. And dressing as if you're broke, when you're not, won't fool anyone. Jeans or sweats only if you want to diss the judge. Men, a business suit works if that's your usual work attire. If not, a sports coat and slacks are fine. Track outfits or shorts won't do it, though. Women, same thing: Business attire (dress, suit, nice skirt and top), or neat casual. No teetery heels, no extreme make-up. Now,can you get to the courthouse without getting lost? Sure you left enough time to park or for public transport? Because being late is very bad. You don't know if your case will be the first or last to be called, but you don't want to default.

Security is the next hurdle. Not as bad as TSA, but those court security people can be very brusque,especially on Monday mornings. Just do what they tell you and be patient - empty your pockets, put your handbag and briefcase on the conveyor belt to be x-rayed, walk through the metal detectors. No, you can't take cameras and tape recorders into the courthouse. Yes, you might have to leave your cell phone with security.

You should leave anything questionable back home, or in your car, or in your lawyer's office. Court officers are law enforcement professionals and are not to be messed with. Hassling with these guys is a guaranteed downer that you won't win. And the courtroom's still ahead of you. You want to make your day in court extra stressful? Didn't think so.

Up on the fourth floor, you're looking for your lawyer and--oh, look! There she is! Wait. Hold on. No running, no shouting. Remember third grade? Same rules only, this time, court officers will enforce them. And they wear guns.

Your team's in a huddle and there's no place to sit. Courthouse staff may get grumpy if you lean on that circa 1940's wooden table with deep grooves penned across its surface. And watch out for that vintage metal chair with the broken leg. You may get lucky and find a seat eventually but, remember, the name of the game right now is hassle avoidance. Find a corner if you can. And here's another rule that's not made to be broken: Voices low, eyes open. You don't know if your spouse's lawyer's paralegal, or the soon-to-be-appointed law guardian, is standing right behind you. And what if your spouse is lurking just across the hallway, just waiting to push your buttons? Ignore her/him. That's why you're in court, remember? Because the two of you couldn't work it out by yourselves. You start getting into an argument again now, those brusque court officers will be over in a New York minute and they'll be in even a worse mood than before.

So, you've been well-behaved, kept your cool (sort of, even though you've stained your nice clothes with sweat),and checked your watch repeatedly. Still waiting for your case to be called...Where's the ladies'/men's room? Nine times out of ten, your case will be called right after you've gone to the bathroom. Maybe you shouldn't have drunk six cups of coffee already. Maybe you can wait to go at home, where the toilet is clean, where there's three-ply toilet paper that doesn't rip after you pull one little sheet and plenty of soap and real towels and warm water.

Your case is finally called, and you trail behind your lawyer, who is marching purposefully into the courtroom. You both sit at a big table in front of the judge, while the judge and the clerks and lawyers- all these strangers in your life - utter jargon, greetings and mundane directions, while your heart is racing out of control.

This is what you do: Speak aloud only when the judge tells you to. Don't drive your lawyer nuts with scribbled notes and nudges and whispers. Don't glare at your spouse or his/her lawyer. No histrionics,no stage whispers, no rolling eyes or heavy sighs. Here's where you must look like a courteous poker player, revealing nothing but always - always - treating everyone around you with respect. Because,guess what? The judge is judging you, even when you're not saying a word. Even if your court appearance doesn't go well, or even if it goes fabulously well, you're still the courteous poker player.

Remember, Round Two is just around the corner.

Worthless Lawyers

I find this absolutely irresistible - It's from the fabulous blog of the inimitable JD Hull (http://www.whataboutclients.com/ ):

The 7 Habits of Highly Useless Corporate Lawyers.

"Ernie from Glen Burnie", not his real name, is an unreliable but wise childhood friend of mine who likes the works of Hunter Thompson. EFGB is now a partner at a Washington, DC law firm. For years he has claimed that the following--by an unknown and long-dead lawyer, and dated 1836--was discovered during the 1980s in the ruins of an old Episcopal church in a northern Virginia town near our native DC. I would believe EFGB--except that I doubt that the word "weenie" was much in style in the antebellum American south:

1. Be risk-averse at all times. Clients have come to expect this from their lawyers. It's tradition. Honor it.

2. Tell the client only what it can't do. Business clients are run by business people who take risks. They need to be managed, guided, stopped. Don't encourage them.

3. Whatever you do, don't take a stand, and don't make a recommendation. (You don't want to be wrong, do you?)

4. Treat the client as a potential adversary at all times. Keep a distance.

5. Cover yourself. Write a lot to the client. Craft lots of confirming letters which use clauses like "it is our understanding", "our analysis is limited to..." and "we do not express an opinion as to whether..."

6. Churn up extra fees with extra letters and memoranda and tasks. Milk the engagement. (If you are going to be a weenie anyway, you might as well be a sneaky weenie.)

7. As out-house counsel, you are American royalty. Never forget that. 

http://www.whataboutclients.com/archives/2010/11/the_seven_habit.html

On Being A Hardass

I've been giving this some thought over the past, say, 20 years or so.

It's very unpleasant to be on the receiving end of some testosterone-laden (male or female, doesn't matter), froth-at-the-mouth, belly-jutting jerk who never EVER lets anyone else get a word in edgewise, never EVER wants to talk settlement unless it's a total surrender, and never EVER has anything but the utmost contempt and abuse for you.

On the other hand, sometimes I've found I can be a hardass without (I think) being totally unreasonable.  Taking a tough negotiating stance can  psych out my adversary.  Having the time, energy, money, reputation, power and  resources to back up a hardline position - even when it's unreasonable - can lead to (perhaps undeserving) good results. And sometimes, being a hardass is the only option.  Like when the other side is so irrational that it would be impossible to cave, let alone meet half-way, without marching into quicksand.

But being a hardass is so energy-consuming - Lord, it's exhausting!  And apart from being so draining, who the hell wants to look in the mirror and see the person you usually loathe staring right back at you, looking just like you? It's unnerving.  And the effect on the people around you?  OK, some people LIKE hardasses. They seek them out for any number of reasons.  For the most part, though, normal people would prefer to spend their time not being embarrassed and not being stressed out by being around such hyper-aggressiveness.

So, I wonder, is it really worth it to be 'tough', despite the potentially good result?

Notice this post isn't addressing the idea of only LAWYERS as being hardasses. No, I'm talking about hardasses in general.   Because sometimes, the biggest hardass of all isn't a lawyer. It's the lady calling from Customer Service who won't give you her direct extension, the State Trooper who pulls you over for going seven miles over the speed limit, the Customs Officer who rips apart your suitcase, the sanitation worker who refuses to remove your leaf bags, the guy behind the counter going on his break so the other check-out line has twenty people waiting -- you get the idea.

Fine, yeah, sometimes it's the lawyers.

Which brings me around to my favorite expression: If people weren't a**h***s, they wouldn't need lawyers (I made that one up a while ago).   Something to ponder the next time someone makes another bad lawyer joke.

Bottom line: Plenty of hardasses from all walks of life to go around.

How We Piss Off Our Clients: Another Top Ten List

What goes around, comes around.

1. Nickel-and-dime the client to death. Charge for subway fare, the dinner you ate while you were thinking about the case but working on a closing for someone else, last month's roaming charges while you were on vacation, etc.
2. Yell at the client. It's your normal speaking voice.
3. Diss everyone in the case. The client's therapist. His/her parents. Your adversary. Make sure it's impossible to speak directly to any third party without having to go through someone else.
4. Remind the client you have a lot of other cases to handle. It's a matter of priorities. Triage, if you will.
5. Keep your client waiting for you. Make sure (s)he sees you sneaking out for a sandwich before the appointment, and waltz back into the reception area with either (i) a brown paper bag; or (ii) a receipt that you can ostentatiously slap on the front desk. Your choice.
6. Don't look at the FedEx packets your client sends you. Just say, "I never received your financial documents" and hope no one tracks the delivery date.
7. Whenever something's missing - and delivery to your office has been confirmed - blame your staff.
8. Is the client calling you again? Hell with it, you're busy. All the time. Ignore their letters, too. And why waste time sending them copies of anything? They'll find out eventually.
9. Make shit up. Everyone else does it. The judge never sanctions anybody.
10. Billing is an art form. So don't bother.

How to Piss Off Your Divorce Lawyer (A Top Ten List)

Easy.

1. Promise to pay. Then don't. Or pay in dribs and drabs - string it out for as long as you can.
2. Yell at him/her at every opportunity. Make sure you can be heard even if the telephone is six inches away from your lawyer's ear (not on speaker).
3. Say you need to discuss his/her legal advice with your best friend (neighbor, former roommate, drinking buddy, etc.), who got a great deal on his/her divorce.
4. Remind your lawyer that lots of other lawyers are waiting to take your case.
5. Arrive 30 - 60 minutes late for all your appointments. Or just show up unannounced and demand immediate assistance.
6. Insist that a complicated document (e.g., your Statement of Net Worth, an affidavit, your draft Separation Agreement) be completed and e-mailed to you on a particular day, although you have no intention of looking at it for at least two weeks because you'll be on vacation.
7. Forget to tell your lawyer that you own property in another state (or country). Let it be a surprise when you testify about it at your deposition
8. Grill your lawyer about the status of your case - repeatedly - four or five times in a single day. Even better, several times in the space of one hour.
9. Invent facts, both trivial and major. No one's going to notice.
10. Repeat #1.